Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I thought this was funny lol
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.