“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Important
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.