Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.