I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
the answer was staring at me all along
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan