House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Yes my dude
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?