My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You Might Also Like
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Chicago sounds lovely.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider鈥檚 confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I laughed at this way too hard.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My kids don鈥檛 recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn鈥檛 help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.