[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
the official breakfast of 2021
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another