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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.