Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
craving $300 all of a sudden
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”