The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Is this a threat?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.