Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Festive toon…
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Thursday
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.