me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
sin harder.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.