A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
There’s never enough good news
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.