Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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