Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline