“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.