Brother?
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this