Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.