Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I put the h in mysterious.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I put the hot in psychotic.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..