one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere