Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
how to exercise your calf muscles
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”