Had to try this trend 😊
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.