Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it