You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-