Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.