Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s