Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
that’s really how it is
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.