if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS