Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
You Might Also Like
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry