Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope