My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I bet birds love this building.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!