My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
work smarter, not harder
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
When someone trying to leave me
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.