yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”