My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Don’t talk down to me
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.