standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size