My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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wtf is a larm clock?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward