“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
dream blunt rotation
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.