It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.