Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.