That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?