my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Sorry. Not sorry
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.