WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons