Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground