Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”