I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Don’t forget to tip your server
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.