Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.