Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You Might Also Like
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
worst…sale…ever
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director