it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.