I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
i’m sure it’s fine
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”