Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE